It's amazing how fear manifests itself physically before my mind can grasp it. And how that manifestation changes. My first year in college I started clenching my jaw, first in my sleep and later even while awake, with such force that my muscles were so tight and sore I could barely open my mouth. The past two years my period has been late by a month in the spring. Every time, I somehow manage to ignore the fact that I've been constantly afraid until the corporal evidence makes it undeniable.

Lately I've been finding myself holding my breath over small things, the end of a story or just an uncomfortable thought. I don't notice until I have to gasp for air and my heart races out of control. It's a not unpleasant adrenaline rush but it makes me think that I'm again forcing my anxiety into myself so as to avoid conscious thoughts about it. Whenever these things happen, they scare me... what else is my body capable of doing behind my back? but at the same time it's almost a relief to have put that fear somewhere besides my mind. If the alternative is a continual loop of mangled, anxious thoughts, maybe I'm better off with this.