20.12.12

Planning - vowing - to do something every day is a recipe for disappointment, it would seem. Starting cold turkey.

And yet.

How can I talk with and understand my self in such a way that we can sally forth together? How can I not plan? How can I not want this?

And yet. There are things I already do every day, habits sprung from my forehead fully formed. I love my own ways as strongly as I fear those I covet. Except, naturally, when I hate them. For being too stubborn a part of me, for being too large a part of me. For being too irreconcilable with my plans for myself.

And yet - wasn't the problem that I cannot plan? That those plans are doomed as they are made? Am I really so afraid of spooking my plans that I can only approach the future sidelong with a false air of disconnection? Is there not a bridge between present and future me that almost crosses itself, it's that natural? I'm worried all I'm saying is that I want it to be easy, because I don't know which hard thing to choose.

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