6.4.13

Something I may have mentioned, or maybe only thought about, is my need desire for total control of what people receive from me. Historically, I don't want people to know what book I'm reading, what website I'm looking at, what I'm taking a picture of. I don't want to share unless I've vetted my output a million times and decided it's truly how I want to express myself (unlikely, uncommon) or I've given up the vetting process after too many seconds, hours, ages of painful indecision. I've tried to escape this model of interaction by escaping people, and that works to its own particular extent, but I'd like to move past the problem entirely so I could just do what I want. Whatever that might be--I asked myself the other day and met an eerie silence on the other end.

I spent several hours yesterday trying to figure out how and if my pictures reflect agoraphobia, how I could make them do so or present them in a way that would. It's important to me, and that's what I feel (right now) is important about my last few years of photography. Although I would not define myself as agoraphobic, that experience of being trapped by what you do to escape fear is potent, and all of our walls and gates and windows reflect it, to my mind.




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