10.8.13

I've been feeling wrong about that last post since I wrote it.

What I mean is (when I'm feeling ways I'm not ashamed by) I want to make things. Have I not yet figured out it's best not to/impossible to be any particular kind of person?

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When I say things I'm uncomfortable with lately I leave them. As artifacts, or small masochisms, or that's-that laissé-faits. Facts in the place of decisions. I guess I'm still having trouble with those--I don't like to take responsibility.

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While simultaneously wanting complete control.

I've been working on splits since January, and I may have gained a few inches. Maybe. I don't have the zeal or dedication I did then. On the other hand, I was thrilled to realize I could pull my toes to my ears a few weeks back. It's so much easier and happier doing the thing you are already able than the one you still are not.

I don't want to live for self-satisfaction. I want to push myself (literally). My aspirations are turning more towards hand balancing, and there's no one I know of to teach that around here, so for now I'm still just falling over myself trying to find my center of gravity.

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