It's the saddest thought for me today that whatever you want most, because it's what you're the most afraid of not achieving, becomes the thing that you are most afraid to do. Or at least that's how it is for me. I suspect that wanting more than anything to connect with people is the reason I am so very afraid of people.

Deserving is coming up a lot here lately, and it is so, so hard to believe myself deserving of things, because I can see all the contradictions and misshapennesses in myself so clearly.

On the other hand, I've been showing an alarmingly fast-growing ready-or-not attitude towards new actions. Whatever I can say about myself applies only to the past.