20.2.14

Sometimes I think I should get really into juggling. And then I think, that's ridiculous, you have plenty of things already. And then I get out the balls and I'm not very good and I can feel the crazy drive to practice grinding inside me. And then, after a few days, I let it slide again.







I'm less frustrated with my ability to let things slide than I used to be, maybe because I'm getting better at picking and choosing what to pursue. But it's still hard to imagine getting from the obsessive practicing step to the ultimate performance, even when I remain dedicated to something long-term. Probably because I confuse sharing with perfection. I'm trying to get over it, and continually failing. Since photography has been that way with me from the beginning, it's not hard to admit to the mixture of love and disgust that goes into the sharing of any picture. It feels inappropriate to bring up perfection here, where I feel totally comfortable sharing my dissatisfaction.

Film photography is different from everything else for me because every frame is its own event, not one in a series of efforts that attempt perfection. Sometimes they're what I hoped for, sometimes they are not, but the element of luck is bigger than the element of control. Digital photography and editing scares me because there's the expectation of power, and the responsibility of presenting something you imagined and actualized. For the same reason, I'm hesitant to focus too hard at technical mastery of shooting film itself. I'm dependent on that scapegoat, randomness, to remove myself from responsibility for what I produce. Nothing else in my life is like this.


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