My desire to do everything right extends to rule-breaking, of course, and makes me feel uncomfortably formulaic in my rebellions. Wouldn't it be better to rebel against the things you know to be wrong, invisibly, than to slap on some external symbols of rebellion shared by millions of other people, without really thinking? I think so. But when it boils down to wanting to be a rebel among rebels, nonconformism seems more like vanity than ever. There have to be other, more central values to espouse that would take me entirely outside the same/not-the-same paradigm.
Writing about myself all the time gets really unappealing, sometimes, but when I don't I feel like I'm probably not paying enough attention.
I want to start getting into printed things: magazines, paper, prints, books, etc., because I alternate hating and loving the internet and I need things to look at during the hate-times. Also I'm interested in making these things and that makes me feel I should be aware of what else is out there. That could be an ultimately destructive impulse, unless I can come at the rest of the world with a genuinely appreciative attitude. I might be able to.