August 2013

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I told myself in my notebook during lunch today that I wish I had goals, that I feel like I'm in the middle of an experiential landscape with no landmarks at all. I can move in any direction I want, but there's nowhere in particular to go. I guess that's freedom for you. I'm having trouble adjusting to what I've always wanted, that is, a lack of existing structure for achievement. As a jumper-through-hoops, now that there's no all-state, no varsity, no first chair, class rank, or ninety-ninth percentile, how am I supposed to value myself?

The idea that approval can come from yourself is so revolutionary, I wish I had gotten there on my own (you know, to get credit for being a paradigm-shifting thinker). Most of my life I've been proving myself at things instead of experiencing them and the uncertainty of outside validation has really fucked me up, but I don't know if the chances for self-validation are any better. I guess those odds can supposedly be fixed.