Chicago, June 2015

How do I live for my future self?

I recognize that this is the way to stay alive, but future me is an intangible opacity. What does she want?

So much easier to live for another present-day human than a hypothetical. But is she that? If I died right now, would she cease to exist or would she continue as though nothing had changed?

What am I like?

There are people who cannot resist the desire to get into a cage with wild beasts and be mangled. They go in even without revolver or whip. Fear makes them fearless.... 
Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

Falling off edges again on the way out of the city.

You can say you're leaving your life, but you can't do it. Until you're worn to dust and there's nothing left but a name. Until there's no name. You can lie alone in a room until it's over but in that room a new life will begin. Anaïs said that about the room.

I've been trying to define myself in the negative space around other people, seeing how I fit. I don't necessarily.

Is familiarity enough of a reason for anything? Is strangeness?

I want to go back in time and stay, never growing older, never moving.

No I don't, what utter bullshit. I was miserable in the past. Probably more so.

I hate definition of women as negative space, a yieldingness, a concavity.
You have to have substance to yield.

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