When you no longer want what you wanted, what then?  Briefly, I gave in and decided I knew my mind because I knew my body, but I'm back to weighing equal and opposite motivations like that never happened.

No, not like it never happened.
Clarity of desire having happened colors all my indecision.

I'm trying to get back, but it's like all the clues have disappeared. I lie in bed all day and can't get up because what would I do if I did? It's a landslide of relief when you decide you're living for food and sex but it's easy to slip into living for coffee and booze, and finding myself there scares me. I'd rather live for art but I can only get there occasionally. They're right that it's work. You can't just wait around, you have to go get it and I can't even get off the floor.

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