I want so badly to have important things to say here, to convey myself in a way that would matter to somebody else. I fall into this trap of living for others easily, spending days (years?) hung up on whether another person is happy and taken care of. There is a limit. My mind doesn't interpret my body's signals right away, but I get there. The transition from time with someone (for someone?) else to time alone is painful—never an easy threshold to cross—but the longer the delay, the stronger the pressure, and the happier I am to be alone.

I want to get back to aerial so, so, so badly. People I talk to seem to get the impression that I stopped because I stopped wanting to do it. Not the case. It's hard to explain why I stop things. Initially I guess it's the thrill of playing hooky, or the spill of overwhelm from some other area of my life, but from then on it's a drawn-out game of interior chicken. Will I or won't I? Do I want what I think I want? Do I want the exact opposite? Which side is really me? Which will win?