7.11.16

Long time no blog, huh? Mostly long time, no scan. I want to be strong and keep making things, to remember that nothing else will matter, but I get bogged down. Nothing feels better than working, and I do think in the end I'll care more about what I made than having had a clean house or the perfectly curated wardrobe the year I was 27. I feel shallow and petty when I find myself reorganizing my clothes every other week, even though I know I can make the argument that wearable textiles are a satisfying intersection of art, design, and craftsmanship. The metaphor settles down uncomfortably thick as I attempt yet again to decide what's essential and what gets trashed. The arguments surrounding sustainability, resource depletion and space-taking also hit close to home. I don't know how to value myself in relation to anyone or anything else, and I'd say it doesn't matter except that conclusions don't seem possible without comparison.

Lately I've felt pretty good, comfortable with feeling unsure, content with limitations and the occasional realization that I've done it all wrong. It's hard to sleep at night and hard to get up during the day, but I've cultivated a bleary acceptance that anesthetizes disappointment. Is learning to stay alive just a continual scaling back of expectations?

Perfectionism betrays an egotistical core: would I obsessively polish something I didn't value? Is it right to profess selflessness while operating on a foundation of self-preservation? A core principle of self-effacement unravels. I can't rest confidently in self-hatred any more than I could in self-love.

I suppose selflessness and self-hatred are distinct. The latter rests on a kind of morbid fascination with one's self, and it's that fascination I struggle to come to terms with. If I felt real dismissal of myself I could have let it go by now, but on some level I think I could or should do something worthwhile, and that makes me feel like a vain asshole who can't even properly commit to self-hatred. It's akin to any other love/hatred I guess, the cycle that keeps you coming back. That's a contradiction I can get behind.

Blogging does get me places.

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