Being unhappy is very tiring in the long run. My whole body feels it.
I need some serious time Off.
All I want to do is learn things and make my own ideas, but in school you have to learn things, have ideas, and then go communicate them to other people in groups, which violates my most pressing desire, to be constantly alone. I fall in and out of it, but lately, on top of the usual panic at sitting in a classroom, I've been overwhelmed in the library, walking down the street, anywhere people can see me. I don't even like being outside my house because I'm afraid the upstairs neighbors will look out the window. I fantasize about isolated places where I could be outside and not oppressed by the constant presence of people. I could be so much better at school if I could turn off my fear of exposure, but that's not happening and it's not enough to read everything and understand it and think about it, you also have to go to class and communicate that to your peers and teachers, which screws me over again and again.