29.1.13

Facebook is such an odd collection of scraps from other people's lives, thoughts beamed in from people I hardly know.  I want to respond but in that limbo of partial knowledge, I can be neither a stranger  speaking out of obscurity nor a real-life person buffered by context. Sometimes if keeping my thoughts to myself is uncomfortable enough I write about them here instead.

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I've been thinking a lot about last spring. I thought that vacation was going to solve everything. It was great - I'm still thinking about how great it was, after all - but it didn't get me through the rest of the semester. It's hard to sort out all these priorities. I want to feel happy and safe and not sick, but I don't want to have not finished college, so I keep trying to achieve those feelings in that environment and failing over and over again. And to be fair that's not the whole motivation - at the beginning of a semester, being proven not smart or tough or sane enough to be successful in school seems like a bigger problem than temporary sadness, fear, and illness.

I don't know that stopping was the best choice. I'm supposed to be getting it together enough to go back and finish, but it feels more like just temporarily ignoring that part of reality. It is nice to get some perspective, to not be quite so myopic about the whole thing, but I'm afraid it's not enough.

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