8.1.14

Moon portraits, on being "good at" things

Wanting to share makes me feel needy and conflicted. I want to be strong enough to be my own audience, to not need reassurance, but I'm far from that. This is a far cry from reassuring, itself, sending myself blindly onto the internet. Hardly a stand-in for communication.




Often I feel like this is not serious enough. Like I need a job that makes me more money. Like I need to live up to myself in a professional realm, the self-promotional way you're supposed to be publicly smart. This is my last undergraduate semester, so I should be looking for a career, or a grad school (by some calendars), not bracing to run in the opposite direction. I am scared to compete, but is it better to do the hard thing (suck it up and continue) or do something else that is hard by some more public metric, thereby avoiding failure at what's supposed to come naturally? (Is there ever an easy thing?) I worry that that my vanity is driving every choice I make, that it's all a show I'm carrying on in the wings adjacent to my true story. It is all a show, but it is also the story.


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