14.2.14

Being at the beginning of my adult life (not having a "thing," a back story, not having accomplished something or come by any Experiences I can point to) drives me nuuuuts. I want the security of an identity, at the same time that I am terrified by the walls set up by single definitions. I feel like a nebulous, protean lump bobbing through life (space + time) (or is that space and time (life)?) Parts of me might detach and fall away at any moment. There might be something welling up in the hidden inside spaces, or there may be nothing but what is obvious on the outside. I feel monstrous.

I know there's an alternate narrative that can be told here, the setting out on the journey, the blank slate, the open road stretching out to the distant horizon or whatever, but I don't feel that. And why? Why feel one way and not another, anyway?



I know it doesn't change when you're a no-question adult. Or does it? Brains change, but everyone has feelings and thoughts and memories. You still have to wake up in the morning. I'm looking for something that will make me want to get out of bed every day for the rest of my life, but it's not looking forthcoming. Actually, what gets me out of bed most days is breakfast, and it may not be an exaggeration to say that it's often downhill from there.




I love mornings, and I want to spend that far-and-away best time of the day doing something besides being miserable in a classroom or mopping and washing dishes, but I have no other precedent. How do you build the life you want?

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