16.8.15

Still grappling with the reality of our ultimate solitude. The illusion that I am not alone is powerful, but other people can enter only so far. As much as I claim to be unbothered, the desire for love to be real and dependable won't leave me. Funny how I can know something won't fix my problems, and want it desperately nonetheless. I got addicted to human companionship and now it's one more distraction I have to wean myself off of in order to look at myself straight on and deal with whatever's going on inside me.

Except that I also think I don't see people enough, so it's now a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. Or maybe it's legitimate to want to be with people when I'm unhappy. Maybe this is my desire overcoming my fear.

I have started to suspect that viewing myself as messed up does more harm than good. It's hard to take care of yourself when you don't feel worthy of happiness. I can self-sabotage like nobody's business but I don't really know how to help myself succeed because I've always suspected I didn't deserve it. It felt like too much to ask.

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