In case there were any doubts, this hasn't been an "I'm too busy and happy to blog!" hiatus. It would be very easy to spew some self-directed vitriol but I won't. There's no particular way for a human to be. My personal preference is not for spending all my time in bed, but sometimes some part of me insists that I do so.

I try not to hurt anyone or anything, but the only way to have no effect is to erase myself completely, and my hard little ego core refuses to disappear. At some point you have to hope that your efforts to do good will be effective and leave it at that. I'm tired of feeling worthless but I have no experience feeling worth. I still harbor some resentment towards UVA for that reason. It's a school full of people publicly lauding themselves and mutually self-congratulating on what a wonderful enterprise they're all a part of. There's not much visible hardship to be found. I don't have good memories of it and I don't particularly want to go back, while for everyone else it seems to have been a standout good time. Seems, seems. Maybe I'm just much worse at hiding it. On the other hand, maybe I did hide it and there were people looking at me with envy the whole time. I hope not. Why can't we all be open about ourselves--open ourselves?

One of my revised year ideals is openness. It's hard, very very hard. Not just telling the truth to others, which can be over and done, but being open to myself. Looking at myself straight on is like jumping off a cliff into the dark. So much easier to keep my eyes shut tight and my body wrapped up in bed.

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