I don't think my heart rate has dropped for more than an hour that I was awake over the last two days. I do believe that expressing my feelings to others is the answer to many problems, but when I'm feeling like this it seems like I should keep my mouth shut. Nothing that comes out is based in reality, and I know it so I fight and fight to explain myself and have to qualify all my explanations. I engage in these painful, overwrought conversations and it never goes anywhere except towards regret. But the other option is to simmer with fear in isolation, and that hurts and wears me down. No good option to be found.

What I want right now is to eat chips and salsa and drink until I can't tell how I feel. Maybe that's actually the best option?


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