2.10.16

It doesn't happen like that.

My fears are fears of not-having, which makes me think I ought to dismiss them because the absence of something will never hurt me directly. Let me explain: I am confident in my ability to endure bad things that happen to me, whatever stimuli come out of the woodwork to hurt me. I am afraid of losing my good things, though, of running out of love or money, but I know I'd get by without those things because I'd have to. I'd have my present surroundings just like I always do. 
There's nothing I can't get through.

To get real, I desperately miss having a partner. I don't really like being alone: I trained myself otherwise and it's hard to change. Sometimes I feel that it's desperately important to be able to do things on your own because we're all headed for that in the end, but that's fear-based logic and practicing for being sad in the future seems needlessly self-punishing. Why put myself through it twice? Why not be happy in the present?









March-Sept. 2016



I wrote all that two days ago but it's just been sitting here. I've just been sitting here.



I think this is typical of my generation ("my generation"), and not an original thought, but I feel like it must be possible for me to reduce my consumption and live with less, and I'd rather pursue that possibility than try to have a "good" job with a "good" salary. Good for what? Keeping me anxious and miserable, but with the spending power to buy the right things to numb myself into an ability to deal with my job? *sigh* I know it comes off as whiny, that everybody has to work, but I also think that I have plenty of skills and I'd like to use those... I can take care of myself in lots of respects. I'd rather make my own food, make my own clothes and furniture even, why not? I'm good at making things. I'd rather work hard in my own environment where I have control than go into somebody else's and do something meaningless that renders me unable to take care of myself when I get home.

But there's always the issue of rent, not to mention self-definition and money for film.


It's hard to keep going in to these stupid jobs that have a negative impact on the world if any at all, and it's hard to keep myself going feeling like I have no purpose or direction, and can't even live up to the arbitrary, destructive external standards I claim to reject.

Ugh, this is why I haven't been posting much. My current fears aren't that interesting, if they ever were. Rehashing old ground. After I put in the effort to describe something I'd like it to diffuse or shift in some way, but it doesn't happen like that.

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